There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn‘t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.He said, "The first one was a girl."The mother: "What did you name her?!?"Brother: "Denise!"The Mom: "Oh, wow, that‘s not bad! What about the second one?"Brother: "The second one was a boy."The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"Brother: "Denephew."
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you‘re the father of twins.""What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets.""Wow, that‘s really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply."Don‘t tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don‘t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."After hearing this, everybody‘s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?""Yes" says the man, "I‘m o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
The following is a true story.There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn‘t stop sucking his thumb, he‘d get fat.Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you‘ve been doing!"
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby."Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn‘t have crawled up there in the first place!"
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don‘t be upset. It won‘t be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn‘t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don‘t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we‘ll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we‘ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn‘t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "My little girl‘s name is Tammy... I‘m Ellen."
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.The first says, "I‘m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"The second says, "Well I‘m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I‘m off home to harass the cat."
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.He watched the game in astonishment for a while."I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed."That‘s the smartest dog I‘ve ever seen.""Nah, he‘s not so smart," the friend replied. "I‘ve beaten him three games out of five."
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.Some people are afraid of heights.Not me, I‘m afraid of widths.I had a dog once.I spilled spot remover on him, and now he‘s gone.I put contact lenses in my dog‘s eyes.They had little pictures of cats on them.Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.It‘s fun to call him..."Come here, Stay!Come here, Stay!"He went insane.Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.He‘s an East German Shepherd.
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary.They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."The other cow replies, "I ain‘t worried, it don‘t affect us ducks."
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.One says, "Let‘s fly out of the cave and get some blood.""We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.When he returns, he is covered with blood.The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?""Yes," the other bat answers."Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."
